Why I am Not a Harry Potter Fan ... (A Remix)

In 2007, when I lived alone in a new state where I had almost no friends, I learned what it is to be a geek and be alone: It really sucks. If you haven't gone to a comic book convention by yourself I wouldn't recommend it. Sure, you might pick up nice swag but what's that without a friend to show it to and compare your bounties? Same with going to a showing of the Rocky Horror Picture Show without another Virgin to buoy you. Half-way through throwing toilet paper at the screen from your empty row you'll realize you're not having fun.

Still, I have an affection for the night I went to the midnight release of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows at the Borders in Newark, Delaware. Uninterested in any of the contests or most of the rigmarole going on within the center of the store, I hunkered down in the Shakespeare section along with two preteen girls with braces on their teeth and a guy inexplicably dressed in a black t-shirt and red clip on bow-tie getting a backrub from his Goth girlfriend. I drank hot chocolate from the Seattle's Best Coffee and chatted with the girls. After midnight hit I still had to wait until they called my letter (which was J or something) to get in line for my book, and ended up taking a nap on the floor, my head on a copy of The Portable Dorothy Parker that would also be coming home with me. I left that night happy to have experienced a special event the likes of which probably never would be seen again. Okay, so the midnight release of Breaking Dawn quashed that dream, but it was nice while it lasted.

If you actually read the title of that post, I am sure you are confused. I like Harry Potter. I've read all the books and seen all of the movies, about half of them when they came out in theaters. In one memorable instance I went to the movie of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix with my college buddies after an afternoon wedding/civil union ceremony and ended up sitting in the theater in a ball gown. I think the books are a lot of fun and occasionally quite clever. The movies a bit less so (what the heck happened with the sixth?), but I still like them just fine.

Yet I am not a Harry Potter fan. I know Harry Potter fans, I have walked among them. I know who they are and what they do and how they think.

Harry Potter fans hate Harry Potter.

The main focus of the fans' hate is J.K. Rowling, the author and mother of the franchise and Richer Than The Queen of England (TM). Unlike Twilight fans, who are quick to shun any who speak badly of Stephenie Meyer, in the Harry Potter fandom hatred of J.K. Rowling is encouraged if not required.

They hate that J.K. Rowling got it wrong from the beginning, making Slytherin a house that was always more evil than ambiguous. They hate that Harry didn't get together with Hermione, his actual true love, instead dating Ginny, who is a whore because she dated TWO GUYS before bestowing a kiss on Harry Potter's pure lips. They hate Hermione and Ron together, which is sure to degrade into domestic violence for some reason. They hate that the books didn't focus on the true protagonist of the series - Ron, Hermione, Snape, Neville Longbottom or Draco, depending on who you talk to - and instead focused on a rules-breaking athlete who got fame for not dying.

Harry Potter fans hate Harry Potter.



(These excited children are not Harry Potter fans. The average Harry Potter fan is 30 or something.)

Harry Potter fans hate Harry Potter books. They hate that the first book was too reminiscent of Roald Dahl's writing, and believe the increasing size of the books was not due to a world growing more complex, but due to the writer's own increasing ego. J.K. Rowling needed a better editor. Nevertheless, the books could have always been longer, if only to get in all the parallels between Snape, Dumbledore and Tom Riddle. Do you know all the parallels? J.K. Rowling doesn't, and this makes Harry Potter fans angry.

This is the crux of Harry Potter fans' complaints with the series. J.K. Rowling does not understand her own work. Did you know that Blaise Zabini should have been Italian instead of black, and also possibly a woman? Did you know that werewolves are a metaphor for homosexuals? Did you know that when the centaurs took Umbridge out into the woods they raped her? J.K. Rowling doesn't, and this makes fans angry.

Harry Potter fans hate Harry Potter.

There is also material supplemental to the books, and Harry Potter fans hate this too. Why should Crookshanks' origin be revealed in a charity book? Who does J.K. Rowling thing she is, making books primarily to raise money for charity? And don't even get them started on the upcoming encyclopedia, whenever that will come up.

Harry Potter fans hate Harry Potter.

There have also been seven going on eight movies based on the Harry Potter series, and fans hate these too. They hate the first two movies, directed by that over-literal dork Chris Columbus, and that they never got to see Rik Mayall as a ghost. They also hate Alfonso Curazon for putting the kids in street clothes instead of robes, as well as for making it okay to actually cut things. They hate the sixth movie for blowing up the hollow, and the seventh movie for being two parts, and it will probably still not get in all the details that they want.

Also, Pottermore will probably suck.

Yes, Harry Potter fans hate Harry Potter, which of course begs the question: why do they read and watch and consume and write fanfics about Harry Potter? Why the real life Quidditch games? Why the cosplay? Why the bands? Why?

I don't know. Ask a Harry Potter fan. I'm not a fan of Harry Potter.

This post was stolen heavily based on The Complex and Terrifying Reality of Star Wars Fandom by Andrey Summers. I still haven't seen Green Lantern and thought it needed adaptation.